February 2012
11 posts
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It's called "Work."
I’m working at the Staples Center this weekend as a part of some sort of silly trophy ceremony and the party that follows. Today while riding down a long escalator and staring down the obscenely long hallway it lead to, I overheard a conversation between two people from a different company and division.
(Not the actual escalator.)
The first person asked the second person, “Do you...
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Smiling Outlawed At LA Beaches!
Today on Twitter, Facebook, and the rest of the digital outlets, the world went completely bonkers over a new law:
Los Angeles County has outlawed frisbees and footballs on their beaches.
People, calm yourselves. Also, read the entire ordinance. This law covers frisbees and balls that are not inflatable, including baseballs, soccerballs, rugby balls, and shot put. You can bring your bloody beach...
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The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling.
It’s back! Kinda.
The South Side Irish Parade will once again take place in Chicago. This drastically throws my plans for March into disarray.
How long would it take me to get Fyona a fake ID? It’s been ages since I’ve had to worry about that, and the DMV keeps pictures on file now. She can’t just go and have a license made with someone else’s birth certificate...
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Fyona-FM: No Static At All
My daughter digs the old school rap.
We’ve been told to play music for her which in this house, believe me, is not a problem. Her mother is practically a walking Disney album and may actually be the real Little Mermaid. I cannot sing, but I’m a federally licensed commercial broadcaster, which means I feel entitled to steal music off the internet.
Anyway, we’ve been through a...
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Staying up all night is a little different now.
When I was 10, a few friends and I took it upon ourselves to break the sleep barrier by staying up all night. Like Chris Columbus and everybody in The Right Stuff, we would step boldly into the unknown for the sake of exploration and the betterment of mankind (But if you ask Howard Zinn, Columbus was just in it for the bucks). Armed with Pixy Stix and Jolt Cola, we fought our way towards dawn,...
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"What the hell was THAT?!"
The sounds my 6 week old daughter Fyona has made over the past few days have been described thusly:
A red colobus monkey.
The Vulture in Clash Of The Titans calling for Andromeda. (The original one. The REAL one.)
The Velociraptor in Jurassic Park calling for his buddy in the kitchen while hunting children.
Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park seeing the incubator/shaving cream can for the first...
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Baby Bottle Redemption.
After a rather long stint playing Red Dead Redemption last night while on baby duty, then hearing Bad Company’s “Bad Company” from Bad Company (the debut album) on the radio, it’s safe to say I was in a cowboy mood today. I busted into the local trophy store like a rustler. I was a little too in the mood.
So when the engraver told me that my baby bottle wasn’t...
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January 2012
24 posts
6 tags
I almost died like, 9 TIMES on a drive to the...
While it’s true that whenever possible I avoid leaving the house, I’m still very acclimated to the world at large. I am NOT a shut in. I can use the excuse that I’ve got a baby, but let’s be honest: that’s just recently good press tossed on a scenario that is far, far older. Still, it’s amazing that even short journeys can be fraught with peril.
(Deathville,...
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Let's Make a Person! vol. v
If you ask me, this parenting stuff is pretty easy so far. Sure, it’s messy (and smelly and exhausting and scratchy and wet and INSANE), but in the first month all a baby really does is sleep, eat, poop, and occasionally grumble. It’s kind of like having a pug.
But there are many things to do while the kid is too little to crawl away. Shots, vaccinations, and the ultimate...
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Other Changes to the Google Privacy Policy...
I assume we all got the email today. Just figured I’d pass along these unpublished changes to Google’s policies:
Google will no longer save camera footage of users typing emails.
Google will remove users’ information from company toilet paper.
Residents of Xxyzz, California will be returned their American citizenship status.
Google Search will no longer deduct 5 cents...
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An Ode to Craft Service...
When I’m at home, I rarely eat. Food preparation involves all sorts of thinking, standing, monitoring… it’s exhausting just thinking about it, and I reject it outright. I’ll order delivery or graze endlessly until I’ve had my fill, which is usually when my stomach stops hurting. The point is, eating is often seen as an annoyance to me.
But when I’m on set,...
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And now, a special message from a guest writer...
Hey universe, what up? (I’m talking to the entire universe here. I have met all 14 people that exist and seen all 3 rooms.) I’ve been here quite some time now, nearly 4 weeks, so I feel I’ve got it all figured out. Still, there’s some things that are a little silly, aren’t there? Let’s discuss them.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes weird lights appear in...
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Great minds think alike, and so do Jake Peavy and...
Jake Peavy and yours truly have finally agreed on something: Ozzie Guillen quit on the White Sox. Basically, he pulled a Lou Piniella.
(Although Jake and I do share some hobbies.)
Today, Ozzie Guillen shot back at Peavy. Ozzie accused Jake Peavy of quitting on the team in early September, forgetting that he did the exact same thing himself a few weeks later. What became clear in the end of...
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The Résumé grows...
I’ve had a lot of odd jobs in my life.
I’ve been a caddy, a grocery bagger, a water ski instructor, an assistant tennis pro (only for a week once they realized I’d never played tennis before in my life), a delivery truck worker, a suit salesman, a copy writer, an internet advertising salesman, a waiter, a caterer, a receptionist, an assistant, a voice over artist, a disc...
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An update from the Batcave...
Mother Blogs and the Redhead (also a mother) have escaped the dark, courtyard apartment and re-entered the Earth, leaving Sister Blogs and I alone with the kid and football. Since Sister Blogs is holding the remote, we’re also getting a healthy dose of Improv Ice, featuring Styx.
(On Ice.)
At first it’s curious that Styx would perform a live soundtrack to improvisational figure...
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Guess who's coming to dinner? (any reasonable...
My mom is here. Here in Los Angeles. Here, as in sleeping on my couch a few feet from my daughter. My sister arrives in a few hours.
Let’s sum up: I, Tucker Blogs, Ruler of Australia, will be spending the next week in a one bedroom apartment with my mother, my wife, my sister, and my daughter.
Suddenly, the hammock on the patio looks beautiful. I opened the fridge to grab a beer, and...
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WatchThis is a great idea.
I think the sound is intentionally out of sync. That’s just an okay idea.
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Laser me over to you, Smitty!
While in between larger projects, I have been presented with a unique opportunity. It’s kind of a lifelong dream, and I’m giddy as hell about it. You see, I’m a dork. A big one. There’s a certain science fiction franchise that I know more about than I will ever admit in public. Over lunch I signed a confidentiality agreement so I can talk about it even less, but you get...
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"And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal,...
Today while watching the kid, I took in a lot of daytime television, ranging from court shows to I love Lucy, with a little Maury thrown in for good measure. If there’s one thing I’ve gained from the experience, it’s utter disgust. What is happening to this country? What is wrong with people? How can we sit idly by while we our society crumbles and descends into the depths of...
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A Correction from the Editor...
Sometimes mistakes fall through the cracks. That’s why me and the New York Times would like to take a moment to offer this correction:
Thank you for your time.
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We love the visits, don't get me wrong...
We’ve had a lot of visitors swing by over the past few days, and it has been wonderful. Really, truly, it has. (I find it tough to convey sincerity since I feel everything on here has a sarcastic tone, but I really was being sincere. That is now over.) However, and this is aimed at nobody specific, there are a few things I would like to point out.
For starters, please stop referring to my...
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"Let's face it, my baby is WAAAAY better than your...
Living in an apartment building means learning to live with tolerance. Other people are going to do some weird things, cook some stuff that reeks, or occasionally have a different schedule than what you would prefer. It’s the way it goes.
Last Saturday night around midnight, we had quite the run in with the neighbors. They have a 10 month old. I know their child is 10 months old, because...
December 2011
26 posts
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"It was okay, we're okay. We're all okay. Okay?"
Okay…. that was a little scary. Actually, it’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced, including watching the Exorcist while stoned in high school. That gave me nightmares for days. This I’ll never forget.
Fyona burped, and then Fyona was choking. Her color went from pink to red in moments, then she sneezed a big old snot ball and farted a White Castle caliber...
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Comin' Home Baby, Now.
After the slowest I’ve ever driven and more middle fingers than were needed, the Redhead and I have returned home with the baby. Only one question remains: what the hell do we do now?
There’s the obvious choice: chug a beer and give in to a few moments of panic in the closet. There’s also the more practical option of going to the store to fill Red’s prescriptions and...
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Celebrating with Strangers...
Fyona, I am your father.
(It’s not a broken wing, it’s to keep her from chewing on her IV.)
Okay, so that happened. Like most big recent events in my life, I found myself stranded in a semi-foreign land when it happened and more or less alone. Sure, this particular time I was about 4 miles from home and my wife and daughter were across the street, but in Los Angeles across the...
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Birth of a Natal II: Let's Wait Over Here Now
We have been moved to the Britney Spears Room, a nice corner LDR with a view of Jerry’s Deli and a slightly larger couch for me to try and sleep on. As of this press time, I have been awake for 32 1/2 hours and we’re not even in official “labor.” It looks like Jerry’s Deli is hopping….
It’s also dawned on me that we’re not making the Christmas...
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Birth of a Natal I: 2 People Enter, 3 People Leave
This is it. This shit is real. We are having a child. The Redhead and I cruised over to the celebrity hospital early this morning and liked it so much, we decided to stay.
Now she’s on her epidural, and I’m on some sort of chair in the corner. We could have a long wait ahead of us. It’s a good thing the Bulls are on in a few hours. On the iPad so no fancy pictures, but I will...
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Living life like a Ghostbuster.
At any given time, the bell can ring and I will be up and off to the hospital with my about to pop pregnant wife. This isn’t like waiting for the cable guy or the mail. There isn’t a time of day when I’m eventually off the hook, as I sometimes catch myself thinking. I can’t relax at 10:30 at night, figuring today’s chances have expired. I must be ready at all times.
...
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Sleeping and eating for a change of pace...
No baby yet. No baby, just sleep and food. Sometimes I’ll eat and then take a nap, other times I’ll wait to eat until after the nap. I mix it up.
We’re waiting; waiting and eating.
It’s awesome.
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Everything around me is tiny.
I’ve spent this early bonus week home from work getting our shit together. Baby clothes are washed and stored and the stuffed animals have been separated by their animal kingdom classifications. What kind of parent would I be if I put an invertebrate next to an elephant, or allowed a stuffed dolphin to become cozy with a bear? One who doesn’t respect the taxonomic hierarchy,...