December 2009
39 posts
When it's cold outside....
Well, vacation gets you every time.
My tumblarity is a big fat goose egg. A zero. I’ve lost all ranking and prestige because of a lack of free wifi in Minnesconsin, and because I foolishly chose to spend Christmas with my family (in law) and not on the internet. For shame.
I guess I can blame myself for craving human interaction and not thinking of my readers in Los Angeles and Germany. I...
Tucker: 1; Criminals: 0
Nice try, crooks. I may be in Minnesconsin, but Bank of America’s crack team of detectives never rest. Why? Because crime never rests, Internet.
Did I rent a car from a North Dallas Enterprise? No.
Did I decide to get a second car minutes later? No.
Busted and broke, meaning they’re busted, and I’m broke. I have 0 dollars for the next 3-5 business days. It’s a good...
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3 dead pelicans
Well, I went sailing yesterday, Internet. What did I discover on the waves of the mighty Pacific? Dead birds. 3 of them, and not much else.
(Pelican: Pictured alive)
I didn’t expect to find any Beach Blanket Bingo or some sort of Regatta Race going on off the shores of Marina Del Rey, considering it’s late December, but I did expect to see some sort of life. After all, this is...
Vacation. All I ever wanted.
I’ll be...
I try....
I just don’t have the gumption this week, Internet. I’d love to tell you the wondrous thoughts that careen through my noodle, but nothing has seemed important enough. I know your time is precious. I won’t wax poetic on silly minutiae just for the sake of expression. However, the following blog topics have been rejected by me this week:
-More traffic complaints (that’s a...
Kolackys and silly hats
‘Tis the season, Internet, for delicious cookies and strange headwear. When in December, enjoy kolackys (kuh-LOTCH-keys):
(Kolackys/Kolackies pictured are not the ones I ate.)
Also, enjoy flammable head garments, such as paper crowns or actual things on fire:
(Woman pictured died of 3rd degree skin burns)
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Today’s Holiday tune comes from Yogi...
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“Green Christmas” by Stan Freberg.
...
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A Mel Blanc classic. I planned to put up a few...
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My cousin died of Tumblarity
I like you, Internet. I really do. This tumblr thing however can get very trying. You see, they have this thing called “Tumblarity” that’s supposed to rate your blog against other blogs, e.g., “How do you measure yourself against other golfers?”
By height.
Must we always be in competition, Internet? Must we always be pitted against each other in the Thunderdome...
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Under the radar....
“Hey, It’s KW. What have ya heard about that thing? Oh, yeah? How about the other thing— the downtown thing. Perfect. Okay, pull the trigger. I’m going to dinner with many beautiful ladies. Kenny out.”
Kenny Williams is a man of mystery. While some outlets had reported on the potential trade and are now bragging about it (you people), it surprised me. Especially...
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I think I kinda hate weekends
What’s the deal, Internet?
Another weekend over, another week dawns. Obviously I’m not breaking any new ground by complaining about Mondays, but I think the dread of a Monday can often ruin the latter part of a Sunday. Now, it seeps backwards through the weekend, unstoppably sucking the joy and freedom out of Saturdays. The whole weekend becomes a mental countdown to it’s...
Panic in the streets!
Joe Moran has discovered blogging.
THEJoeMoran.com:
Let it be known from this day forth, I pledge to name my first born, Phantastik. He will be a glorious child.
That’s really more of a “Twitter,” though.
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Hangman, Hangman
More and more stories are developing, Internet!
Mike Blogoff has listened to Zeppelin III, as he was assigned. His thoughts:
Well, this is fully and completely for Tucker, over at TuckerBlogs.
Some time back Tucker learned that my education on Led Zeppelin was lacking. He discusses it at length here.
Well, I have taken the sage advice of Tucker and popped on my Bose headphones and sat back...
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Achtung Bay (on Achtung Lake)
Recently, when using my very sophisticated and expensive stat counter for Tucker Blogs I discovered I have German readers. This highly pricey and useful tool showed me that yesterday, I had not 1, not 2, but 4 readers in Rural Germany! I have no idea why this is, unless Germans love the White Sox and demagogy. The extreme costs but unlimited value of this stat counter has also shown me which of...
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A story developed!
I can’t believe it, Internet! You made up for your past indiscretions and brought me the answer I seek: I have been contacted about new boots.
Thanks, Havana Joe. Thanks for thinking of the little people.
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Passion is the magnet.
Preamble here.
Okay.
Let me fill you in a little more on Shatner’s Raw Nerve. Shatner doesn’t do intros. He doesn’t send it to commercials. You come in to a conversation already happening. You know, just poppin’ in to see what’s about. That works fine when he’s talking to Regis Philbin. But when he has Rush Limbaugh sitting there, and he actually engages a...
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Nirvana (not the band)
Oh my golly, Internet. I may be about to enter true nirvana, that almost unobtainable state of being known only to the Bodhisattva and Bodhi from Point Break.
Curt Cobain Bodhi.
The reason I look bliss in the face, is that my DVR is about to record Shatner’s Raw Nerve, the greatest show on television. Picture Bill Shatner. We’re not talking Captain Kirk anymore. He’s Denny...
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Mind, Body, and Katra
Howdy ho, Internet. I watched the new Star Trek for the 3rd time last night, so now I’ve seen “officially” seen it. The previous 2 times didn’t count since I fell asleep. That’s not really a slam on the movie (or is it?), but it is interesting that I fell asleep at the EXACT SAME 10 minutes both times.
Not just any 10 minutes, either. Like, the big, grand, climactic,...
...This bird you cannot change.
Quitting time for the day! Sorry no long winded articles, but I was a busy cowboy this Tuesday.
I’d like to thank our sponsors and the good people at Woolworth’s for providing the yarn. For Skitch and the rest of the Tonight Show Band, this is your announcer Harvey saying:
Good night, everybody!
Important Lessons
b-radb-log:
Ok. Fine. I think it’s time to come out and admit…I’m a Lady Gaga fan. There, I said it.
And I just learned that Lady Gaga is white. She dresses pretty weird, too. What does that say about me? Am I a racist or just out of touch?
I’ll just hope that as somebody who never reads Perez Hilton and TMZ, this floated under my radar. I also recently found out this whole Tiger...
Going rogue in the Palin Drome.
Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.
Telegram, Margelet!
Huh?
A war at Tarawa!
Won’t I repaper? Repaper it now.
Some men interpret nine memos.
Was it a bar or a bat I saw?
Max, I stay away at six AM.
Rise to vote, sir.
Now! Sir, a war is won!
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Bingo Bango Bongo
Hey, Internet. Remember when I was talking about my boots? Good times…. Well, this issue has gotten more severe with today’s rain. My holier than holy boots are no match for 1-2 inches of rainfall. I am now wearing wet socks.
Why do you torture me so, Internet? And why has Havana Joe not contacted me at all? I am still unwilling to accept that I may need a new style in footwear and...
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Litrally....
It’s raining in Los Angeles and the people are frightened. The LA Times reports 132 accidents in this morning’s commute alone. Now, talking about the traffic in LA seems a little hammy and overdone to me (White people do THIS, while Black people do THIS, amirightfolks? and what’s the deal with airline food?), but it’s hard to ignore when it’s so brutally horrible. One...
Keep reading....
Some people are getting confused by this newfangled, “internet.” It’s a blog, people. You have to keep reading downwards. Sometimes part 2 of a post is above part 1. It’s a frightening world out there for some folks, but just a little more scrolling will provide the answer.
Thank you for your time.
Coda
The following Led Zeppelin songs reference The Lord of The Rings:
Ramble On
Misty Mountain Hop
The Battle of Evermore
Houses of the Holy
Over The Hills and Far Away
The Rain Song
Robert Plant also named his dog, “Strider.”
There’s also the whole “Stairway to Heaven is about Satan!” argument, beautifully and dimwittedly explained here. That link touches on the...
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Runes
My dear friend and fellow rebel Mike Blogoff and I were enjoying a relaxing highball at The Normandie Lounge last night when the discussion turned to music. A frightening and unsettling fact emerged during our dissection of 1970’s Anthem and Classic Rock, that Mr. Blogoff does not having the undying love and devotion to Led Zeppelin that anybody within 50 feet of me must possess at all...
I ain't mad at ya
Listen, Internet. I’m not mad at you because I can’t find new shoes, so don’t think I’m ignoring you. I just can’t think of anything interesting to write today. It happens.
I’m also not going to write drivel just for the sake of posting. I have standards, Internet. Sorry, but that’s how I roll. Don’t worry, inspiration will arrive before we know...
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Say it ain't so, Havana Joe.
FAIL!!
You have failed me, Internet. For all the defending I do, all the sweet gestures and pleasantries, this is how you reward me? You mean to tell me there’s not a single pair of Havana Joe Chukka boots left on the planet?!
I have worn these boots since Junior High School. What can I say? I love them. I also haven’t gone up a shoe size since 8th grade, so all 6 pair I have owned...
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Shave and a Haircut via HMO
Whaddya say, Internet?
I have a quick thing to express (as usual). Just a thought based on emails that have been forwarded to me by certain conservatives and rants I heard from certain liberals on the ol’ Radiola.
THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO HELL.
Our society is not crumbling. The Apocalypse is not nigh. We are not “losing our values.” We’re doing just fine, and will...
“What was Hitler’s Religion?”
– A question I was asked at work. Why I’m the source for this is info is a little worrying, but not as worrying as knowing the actual answer. He was raised Catholic, but later became “crazy.”
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Death, Death, and more Death (is my favorite...
Thank you so much, Holiday, for leaving me sick and twisted upon my return to Los Angeles and work. I can’t blame Wisconsin, because they get enough flack as it is. Chicago shouldn’t be held accountable either. It’s the weather that accompanies these places. To go from 78 degrees and sunny in LA to cold and rain and bars you can smoke in is too much for this lumberjack to...