January 2010
40 posts
2 tags
So did William Peterson actually shoot Emilio...
As an American, I have always been a big fan of the Old West. I love westerns, and I love that cowboys are a cross between Samurai and Han Solo. The lone man arrives in town, shoots some people, downs some whiskey, and rides off into the sunset. What a great life. I’ve always liked Billy The Kid in particular. What kid wouldn’t want to be a charming ladies man who thumbed his nose at...
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The defense has the ball...
This is that phantom weekend, Internet, between the Championship games and the Superbowl. You know what that means: pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in 19 days.
Let’s talk about baseball, Internet. The only game where the defense has the ball. The greatest game in the history of hitting things and throwing things. Individual achievement through teamwork. George Carlin may...
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Namaste; or, What lies in the shadow of the...
I’m thinking of taking a little vacation, Internet. Look at this flight I found, courtesy of Kayak.com:
I don’t see anything in particular that makes me think this flight won’t land at its scheduled destination. Do you? Hmmmmmm? DO YOU?!
It’s not like it’s going to crash on a polar bear infested tropical island with hostiles and Egyptian statues and smoke monsters...
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J.D. Salinger: He GONE.
Jerome David Salinger has died. I’ve always wanted to read something by him, but alas, I am illiterate.
I hear his books were really good. Quite the recluse, he is probably best known (to me) for inspiring this.
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So it's lather, THEN rinse
There oughta be instructions on shampoo, Internet. This morning I exited the shower with a head full of Vidal Sassoon, forgetting the ever important 3rd step in this lengthy procedure:
(Shampoo pictured is a dramatization. Not actual shampoo used)
But you wanna know why, ‘Net, ol’ buddy? This lumberjack is cigarette free. That’s right. If you count sleeping, I’ve been...
4 tags
Twinkie Thome
Mr. Incredible (aka Jim Thome) has signed with the Minnesota Twins. After Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams tried to move heaven and Earth to get Jim back on the White Sox, they ultimately decided it was unfair to Thome to hold him to a simple “pinch hitter” role.
So Jim Thome signed with the Twinkies as a Pinch Hitter. I’m sad, angry, shocked, depressed, and a little hungry....
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Keep your distance (but don't LOOK like you're...
Tomorrow, with any luck, I’ll be patchin’ it up. That’s right, Internet. The nicotine patch goes on and the fingers regain a pinkish hue. Grocery store carrots will have flavor again; deodorant failings will be noticed in time. I’ll be able to breathe.
The problem is, I can’t find these stupid patches anywhere. I’ve been to 5 different grocery stores and...
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I don't make monkeys, I just train them.
Before I get into anything about my weekend, I need to explain something. When I was a young Tucker Blogs, my family spent every summer in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. It was there I had all of my first jobs: Caddy, Boat Gas Station Attendant, Water Ski Instructor, Radio DJ, etc. Once I was 16 and had a license, I would often be at the lake alone, with my parents and the siblings coming up on the...
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This Post contains 40% new content.
Man, that NBC. First they screw Conan out of the Tonight Show, and now they’ve screwed me. They’ve been bragging it up all week about the first “new” episode of The Office since Dec. 10. A return to comedy! More like returned comedy, amirightfolks? Zing! Last night’s Office was a clip show. This aggression will not stand.
Honestly, another rerun would have been...
A day of Links (but not the Zelda one)
So far this morning you’ve moved me with your newest additions, Internet. You’ve really been fixing up the place lately, and this link is no different.
Behold, a FEATURE LENGTH film in stop motion with G.I. Joe figures. Yes, Robot Chicken does that all the time, but as Ain’t It Cool News explains in the article, this film has been worked on for 10 years, before Robot Chicken was...
International sensation Tony Clifton blogs, and... →
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That Dallas Raines doesn't know a Stratocumulus...
The weather in Los Angeles doesn’t appear to be a complex beast. It’s almost always sunny, it’s never below freezing, and it rains sparingly and silently. The weather in Los Angeles is, for the most part, beautiful. The trade off is earthquakes. But for some reason, the town’s weathermen (or weatherpeople) can’t figure out a simple difference between sunny and not...
4 tags
WE DID IT!!
100 Posts, Internet! Suck on that, THE Joe Moran.com!
This is post #101! I’m still cooking, baby! To think that a basket weaver from the Ukraine could accomplish so much, and in English, too!
The Post-100th-Post-Party tonight is going to be insane. I’ve already gotten confirmations from Madonna, Christina, and Scarlett. Brad, George, and Denzel will obviously be there since...
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Anticipation....
Wow. Big day today, Internet. Between the Press Conference and planning the Wrap Party, I’ve been knee deep in the hoopla. It’s been draining, frustrating, hurtful, and soul crushing, but I have finally found the strength to continue.
My next post will be my 100th.
Time flies, little Interwebs. I remember when we first met, back in the dial up days of the Innocent 90’s. I was...
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Funny on 30 Rock, disturbing in Tokyo...
Did you see 30 Rock last week, Internet? It was about James Franco falling in love with a pillow. I laughed.
Did you see this, Internet? It’s about a 37 year old man in Tokyo who actually IS in love with a pillow. I may cry.
Be warned: If you have a cold and black heart, this story is hilarious. If you’re a human like the rest of us, you may feel very…. I dunno. I feel lonely,...
Screen doors on Battleships.
It’s 2010, Internet, or as I like to say, Two Hundred One, Oh. What does that mean on this rainy Los Angeles morning? It means we have 5 short years left to make Back To The Future, Part II’s predictions of the future a reality.
In less than 5 years, we need to implement Skyways, flying cars, and inflation has to push the price of a Pepsi to 50 bucks. If we do not accomplish this,...
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Happy Birthday, Mom!
Happy Birthday to Mother Blogs today! She doesn’t even know this blog exists, so if somebody could pass this message along to her I’d appreciate it.
Actually, it may be best if she still doesn’t know this blog exists, due to the occasional cuss word and radical right wing warmongering I love so much. Of course, she doesn’t even have an email address, so I should be safe....
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Haitians, Mayans, Palins
Let’s take a quick peak at the Fulcrum of Fatuity (alliteration!) that has been on the news today and as of late. Quickly, Internet! I’m done with work in a half hour.
Haiti: So the Haitians made a deal with the devil, possibly to take over Vice City through Car theft, and now God has decided to punish them. Pat Robertson feels this is common knowledge. You know, just like how Jerry...
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A tremendous slouch.
Yo yo, Internet. Sorry no correspondence yesterday, but shit is fucked! Actually, shit is fine. I thought of that yesterday and found it hilarious, but couldn’t think of anything else on the topic.
(awkward pause)
So, what’s on the menu today? Had a Cameo apple and Eggs Benedict, a breakfast that met with far better approval from the Construction department. Yesterday’s Kix...
Press Release: Mark McGwire
Joe Moran speaks (types):
elvisisdead:
I would like to thank everyone for their patience. When we found out about Mark’s recent admission concerning Performance Enhancing Drugs, (PEDs), we felt it was best to wait and digest all the information before making a public statement. Our statement is below:
We commend Mark McGwire’s decision to finally come clean regarding his use of Performance...
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Tumblarity: he GONE?
You get the Hawk Harrelson reference in that, don’t you, Internet?
Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, announcer for the Chicago White Sox, always states, “He GONE” when a batter strikes out.
(See also: Hang woof-em and Can o’ corn)
Anyway, it looks like Tumblr has eliminated the ranking system, Tumblarity. All it took was two posts on Tuckerblogs.com! Man, I am...
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Conan: he GONE.
Conan’s walking.
He has decided to leave NBC to the mediocrity of the Chin. Goodbye, ToSho w/ CoBo.
Finally getting the Leno monkey off his back, CoBo will now join Free Agency, and probably start a show on Fox. Good for him. I hope he makes it his personal mission to absolutely destroy the National Broadcasting Company with extreme prejudice. In fact, he should kick any actual peacocks...
A new dawn, a new day.
I changed my theme, Internet. I’m not sure if I like this new thing. These buttons on the left are interesting, but I’m not big on the comments section. If you punks fill my comment board with a bunch of meaningless drivel, I will take away the priviledge. So there!
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I thought the first rule was, "Fake a stomach...
So ridiculous it works:
The Ferris Bueller / Fight Club Theory
So, what if Ferris Bueller’s Day Off never actually happened? What if the whole adventure is just a fever dream of Cameron’s? This is why you exist, Internet. To bring me this awesomeness.
Evidence to support:
-Ferris has the confidence, swagger, and charm Cameron wishes he had.
-Despite numerous public appearances...
No wind, no football, less poison.
As you may be aware, Internet, I’m the kinda guy who enjoys sailing on the ocean. I enjoy all sorts of “rich white people” weekend activities like golf, yachting, the Kentucky Derby, and drinking before lunch, without a grain of racism or prejudice implied. It just happens that rich white people do a lot of the same things I do, a poor Eskimo with a heart of gold.
So anyway, I...
seriously? no wait, serioulsy? →
(via theotherlagirl)
No, you were right the first time. It’s “seriously.”
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The Po' Boy is on the line....
My boy, my boy! 75 years old today, King. Wherever you may be…. Many happy returns.
Elvis Presley used to collect badges and fancied himself a bit of a Lawman himself. One cold December day in 1970, Elvis went AWOL from the Memphis Mafia and the rest of his Entourage (even Turtle) and traveled to Washington DC alone. His mission was to become a “Federal Agent At Large” in the...
Please stay for dessert.
Don’t go, Artie. There’s plenty still to do.
This story will be all over you soon, Internet, but as you already know,
ARTIE LANGE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.
I’m a big Howard Stern fan. I’ve been listening since Jr. High. In all of that time, I’ve had a love/hate following of Artie Lange. I’ve seen his awful movies and I read his fantastic book. Sometimes he comes...
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Putz.
“It’s HIS fault.”
NBC is toying with some dangerous ideas. They canceled Southland, effectively screwing over John Wells after 15 years of ER to make room for Jay Leno. Now that it’s clear that Primetime-Jay was a mistake, they’re thinking of screwing over Conan… for more Jay.
Sayeth the Hollywood Reporter….
Yes. The Jay Leno Show will be on...
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Swagger Coaching
You have informed me of a new job available, Internet: that of a “Swagger Coach.”
Look at this.
Some kid named Justin Bieber is tearing up the airwaves and hormones of adolescent girls like he’s Jason Freakin’ Gedrick, and he owes it all to his Swagger Coach.
MY 1ST PROBLEM WITH THIS: All Swagger advice Ryan Good is dispensing seems to be very douchy. The MTV article...
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I wanna be "Elite."
The Redhead and I watched The Air Up There Up In The Air last night, and I gotta tell ya, Internet: It’s pretty damn good. The story is solid, and Clooney gives a good show as the ever-traveling man. I liked both of the actresses until one of the characters hit their twist, then I hated that character, which I guess just makes it a more powerful performance.
My favorite part about the...
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I resolve...
It’s Cinco Del Enero, El Interneto!
And you know what that means. It’s time for My State of The Person address, given, well not necessarily given every year, but given at times when resolutions and change are called for. Yes we can.
That’s marvelous.
The best thing about Spanish January is that I don’t have to make my New Years Resolutions strictly on the 1st. I...
The space between songs
Back in the saddle, Internet. I trust you had a good New Years. You did? Oh, wonderful.
I was making a CD the other day and as I always do, I proofed it before giving it to its intended receiver. This is an old, old habit. Even before I spent my formative years in high school working at radio stations, I had an obsession with the space between songs on an album, tape, or CD. Did the band decide...
We're back....
And oh so happy about it.