So… this is not going to be icky, trust me. There’s this weird thing that happens in the office bathroom— wait, hold on.

NO. This is not about that. This is about the toilet itself. You see, the toilets here have these automatic flushers, like most office building in ‘Merica now. These automatic flushers are giving it their all when it comes to a work ethic. While you’re sitting there not moving, it’ll flush 5 times, letting everyone in the office believe you’re having some MAJOR issues in the bathroom. 

I will not be inappropriate.

My In-Laws arrived here today, jetting in from the Bible Belt to see their pregnant daughter and frantic son-in-law. They come armed with plans for our future, lectures to give and an overall air of superiority, as they are known to do. I don’t mean to be mean. Usually I am highly anxious before they arrive but calm down toward the end. The thing about crazy is that you can always depend on it to be crazy, so matter what. Expect the unexpected, and the more expected: political scolding, California bashing, a general “The World has gone to hell” outlook. I will be polite. I will not take personal issue with every little stray comment.

I will not be inappropriate.

The best solution I’ve found for the unwanted flushing is to drape a piece of toilet paper over the sensor. If I don’t want havoc and uncontrolled splashing, I can’t let the toilet’s infared eye see the real situation. It somewhat works. If somebody enters the bathroom, it can send a breeze under the stall door and disturb the toilet blindfold. The blindfold has to be monitored, less the havoc begin. Still, I can’t let a silly thing like that get to me, and I won’t let a little splash scare me away from the task at hand.

I will not be inappropriate.

(The Google image search results for “inappropriate” under moderate safe search are HIGHLY inappropriate.)

I need to let the little things go. Sure, it can get irritating, but I need to keep a cool head. Knowing that it will always be the same situation, that it will always be what it has been, means that I’m actually the one being crazy. To face the same issue over and over but expect different results is crazy. It’s not going to change. It’s not something that I’ll be able to forcibly fix through aggravation or sheer will. I need to blindfold myself.

When my In-Laws say something off the cuff that I find highly offensive or dismissive to either myself, others, or a large community of people, I need to step back and breathe. I need to remember the toilet at work. It’ll happen again soon, and there’s no changing it. Why let the repetition build my anger and annoyance one step at a time? That only leads to an explosion, which is no good with my In-Laws OR in the bathroom.

I will not be inappropriate this weekend. I promise.