If I had to describe my work performance I would say that while I can occasionally impress, overall I’m rather sub par. This may not be accurate, but it’s my perception. I spend most days expecting the hammer to drop and for my tenure here to be over. I didn’t say I fear it, I said I expect it.

(I have much more important ways to spend my days, anyway.)

If there’s one thing that I’m seriously lacking in lately, it’s confidence. I am a man who trusts his instincts and little else. Lately, my instincts have been telling me that, simply put, I suck.

Sure, I get all sorts of things done. I tackle issues left and right and try to spot check from top to bottom, but things fall through the cracks. I forget stuff, and that ain’t good. Plus, I’m not really sure what I’m doing. Day in and day out I fake it, hoping to make it, but I usually flub it. This is not a town or business that is interested in training you or offering any sort of guidance. There’s no manual or reference guide available to me other than my own experience. When the job is relatively the same but you can work in 2 or 3 entirely different offices in a year, the experience can vary wildly. What was genius in one place could be labeled idiotic in another. I will frequently be reprimanded for not knowing the minutiae of something I’ve never seen or heard of before. That’s my job.

(If only.)

I got a lot on my plate right now, nobody’s arguing that. I got a kid coming, the pipe dream career is suddenly realistic, and within the next 4 months we need to move, buy a new car, and convert to a one worker household (that would be ME, Internet.) So, yeah: lots to do.

Maybe I’ll get in a car accident or something. That would be sweet. I could break a leg or some other sort of straight forward but totally recoverable injury that would sideline me from all of these demands on my shoulders, plus get insurance money towards a new car. I can imagine worse. Today the water was out in our building. The moment of joy I felt at even the slim chance of work being cancelled for the day was enough to motivate me to get out of bed. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Probably not a new car, that’s for sure.

I’ll keep plugging along, because I’m not going to quit. I can’t quit. I need to keep earning. Still, if someone were to make the decision for me, I wouldn’t stand in their way. There are plenty of people who may be interested in doing my job, and for less money. They’re probably as delusional and oblivious to their own shortcomings as I used to be, making them well suited for the position. I just can’t keep it up anymore. I want to care for my wife and think about my soon to arrive baby, not answer 50 questions about the simplest tasks and be micro-managed into a nervous breakdown.

That’ll happen when the kid’s a toddler.