Hey universe, what up? (I’m talking to the entire universe here. I have met all 14 people that exist and seen all 3 rooms.) I’ve been here quite some time now, nearly 4 weeks, so I feel I’ve got it all figured out. Still, there’s some things that are a little silly, aren’t there? Let’s discuss them.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes weird lights appear in that giant dark expanse that exists 6 feet beyond your face? ‘Sup with that? And talk about some big people that wander out of the darkness. This one guy with a deep voice that sometimes smells funny has hands bigger than my whole body. I call him, “Big Voice and Hand Guy Who Isn’t Mom.” He’s cool I guess, but almost never lets me drink milk from his nose or nipples, though I try. Oh, how I try. 

There’s also been this other one here lately with blonde hair. She seems to know the big voice guy pretty well, but will also not let me have any milk. I call her “Older Blonde Lady Who’s Nice But Isn’t Mom.” By the way, what’s up with all those weird ass cries people make with their mouths? I swear, sometimes I get the impression these big giants are somehow like, communicating with each other. Eerie, I know. Like the big voice one will cry and make some sort of moan with a lot of little pitches and breaks, and then the Blonde one will like, totally respond with her own set of audible twists and turns. It’s hilarious!

Then there’s this one I call, “Mom.” That one’s pretty sweet by me. She cries in a nice, soft way, and never fails to offer me some grub. She seems to have some neck issues though, because she’s constantly wavering between 2 feet away from me and 1 inch away from me. Actually, you gotta see it. First she’s far away, then she’s here! Then she’s far away, then she’s here again! Gone and back, then gone, and then once again back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back!

I never get tired of it.

Hey by the way, what’s the deal with these appendages that keep hitting me in the face? I like to move them around, stretch them… you know, see what’s up. Gone and back! Gone and back! Gone and back! Sometimes, though, they fall back and hit me smack in the eye! Listen, it might be all fun and games here in the universe, but those little punks have some sort of brittle knives on the end of them. Gone and back! Trust me, they hurt. Anybody else have that happen?

(I prefer a bottle of the house WHITE.)

Well, looks like it’s time to wrap this up. I’m getting a little peckish, and once again I find myself sitting in something that feels wet and uncomfortable. I’m sure the big voice guy or one of the other 13 people in the entire known universe, which by the way is huge compared to where I used to live, will be along shortly to take care of it. They’ll probably then torture me by rubbing a sopping wet cold cloth along my privates. Why do they DO that? Gone and back! Gone and back!

Catch you on the flip side, world.