If you ask me, this parenting stuff is pretty easy so far. Sure, it’s messy (and smelly and exhausting and scratchy and wet and INSANE), but in the first month all a baby really does is sleep, eat, poop, and occasionally grumble. It’s kind of like having a pug.

But there are many things to do while the kid is too little to crawl away. Shots, vaccinations, and the ultimate preventative measure: Baptism.

Look, I’m not against it. That’s not what I’m trying to convey here, but that is what is being concluded back in the real world. The Redhead, Fyona and I live in Los Angeles. We have precisely zero relatives in the area. My family lives in Chicago and her’s is scattered throughout the Midwest and Eastern Seaboard. There are some in Minnesconsin, some in GOP-rida, and even some in Indiana. To undertake the planning of a Christening and gather all of these people together in one place is one hell of a headache. Plus they’re all kind of locked into their locations. My dad is in the middle of a political campaign and Red’s dad is in the middle of big time medical treatment. Neither one can leave their region.

(My Dad’s gotta give Jim W. Gettys a run for his money.)

According to some, we’re already too late. A very vocal faction is saying that not only does this need to be done now, but that it should have been done weeks ago. Every day my daughter lives as a heathen pushes her closer to Satan, and if it ain’t Catholic, it ain’t for realsies. I hesitate to tell them that I myself was Baptised at 8 years old. Well, the official time I was Baptised. A rumor has lived for years that my Dad’s parents, both extreme Catholics, stole me away in the night and had me Baptised as an infant. My mother is a Protestant and her uncle is a Minister, but that wasn’t good enough. As any Catholic will tell you, particularly the ones I’m related to, Protestantism is nothing more than a vile cult, and my uncle’s credentials hold no water and deserve to be dismissed outright as blasphemy. My father also Baptised me himself in Lake Geneva, having a Roots type moment that I bet was very sweet and touching. I have also performed a similar ceremony with my daughter in my pool, in her bath, and in the kitchen sink. I plan to do it in Lake Geneva when I get there this summer. Hey, I’m an Internet Reverend!

(My ceremony was also very sweet and touching.)

Ultimately, I will lose this battle. My child will probably be Baptised Catholic. Actually, it’s not even a battle. What does it matter? If the purpose of a Baptism is the cleansing of sin, the clothing of one’s self in Jesus Christ and the dedication to a good life in the Christian faith, why can’t it be done anywhere? And If I could get a little Protestanty for a moment, isn’t that a call Fyona should make? I guess that’s considered a “Confirmation.” The Baptism can be held wherever the family wants it. It’s to put their minds at ease, anyway. May as well let them witness it.

To tell you the truth, I probably could have used a little more Churching up as a kid. It’s one thing to be a hotshot punk in his 20’s who has Religious debates in bars and misquotes Existential critiques he sort of remembers from college, and it’s a completely different thing to be a father explaining to his daughter why the sky is blue and why life exists by quoting Nietzsche or Camus. I haven’t been to Church in a long time. Even then, the Church I went to was all encompassing Protestant and attended by the McDonalds Heiress, Mrs. Kroc. I was partly in it for the sound system and pool tables in the Teen Lounge bought with her huge donations. While I wouldn’t call myself Agnostic or Atheist, I am most certainly not a practicing Christian. Enter the baby. Things are different now. 

The more I become a parent, the more I shudder at the Conservative thoughts I get. Sure, I want to help the poor, but not before my own family. They’re first priority now. Sure, I want to promote religious tolerance and open minded thought, but a baby don’t know, yo. Just like “Santa Claus,” sometimes simple explanations work better than, “We all worked our asses off to buy you a ton of useless junk that you’ll probably break in a week. When you’re older, you’ll understand that Christmas is a time of giving and love, of family and reflection, but for now let’s just say a fat guy dropped it all down the chimney. Go play with your dolls and be innocent, little precious.” Kids have questions, and the questions I’m best prepared to answer are of the Christian Faith. It’s also what I believe. When she’s older she can learn deep thoughts about all religions sharing the Golden Rule and possibly being interpretations of one ultimate, great truth, but for now she’s going to be raised Christian. 3 white Christians, that’s us. I should just move to Arizona and get it over with.

Nah, I’m not going that Conservative. Even if through some Earth shakable circumstance a Republican gets elected to the White House next year, I am NEVER MOVING OUT OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. Long live America’s bottom corner, where Manifest Destiny has dumped our country’s weird sludge and rejected wackos! 200 years of people moving West because they got too freaky for the locals can’t be wrong!Is that a Scientology Library / Oxygen bar? I love this place!

I may be Christian, but I ain’t stupid.