I have very mixed opinions about reruns, Internet. While I do enjoy watching things more than once, when you’re not expecting a rerun it can feel like a very personal insult and attack. You feel almost tricked. That’s why I’m trying not to make this entry a rerun, despite almost all of the elements and caveats involved being repeated ad nauseam nearly every Monday.

The fact of the matter is this: I feel pretty lousy today. I’m often hungover on Mondays, but I didn’t drink yesterday. I didn’t even leave the house as I was recovering from my birthday party the night before. I’ve heard rumors and whispers of the mysterious 2 day-hangover, but I don’t think that’s the case.

This is the case: I’m slowly killing myself with booze, smoke, and fried food. It has to stop.

I’m 31 years old now. That’s a prime number, people (both primorial and Marsenne). Something’s gotta change. I’m not a college kid anymore. I don’t need to be spending my weekend in perpetual pursuit of intoxication. It’s time to start redefining my weekend at the core. My weekends should be about enjoyment and pleasure. Now let me stop and clarify, Internet, because I can already hear your retort forming. Enjoyment and pleasure are the concept that got me into this mess in the first place, but as I get older the means by which I enjoy and feel pleased have to be updated. A couple of beers on a Saturday afternoon? Lovely affair. A dozen beers on a Saturday starting 2 hours after waking up and parlaying into a night of whiskey? Yeah, that may be going a little too far, even if it was the hockey playoffs.

My point is that in theory, it always sounds like a delicious weekend but in practice, it becomes some sort of high speed marathon, racing to pack it all in before the work whistle blows on Monday morning. The idea on a Friday or Saturday night that nothing awaits me in the morning other than more fun, causes me to push even harder. Everybody’s gone to work hungover. It’s a horrible experience, but by the time the day is over, you’re thinking, “That wasn’t too bad. I handled it.” So the next time a situation presents itself to keep partying, you reference the previous times you’ve been hungover and think, “That was nothing! I can handle it no problem! I’m a rock star!” Well, that’s what I do. Maybe you’re different.

Basically, I need to find other activities. I had a birthday party over the weekend, which is a perfectly acceptable time to go a little overboard. Nobody would deny anybody the right to cut loose at a party, particularly one where they’re the subject and reason for the gathering. The problem is, this is in no way a rare occurrence. I do this nearly every weekend. It’s hard to earn sympathy for a headache and bruised body when it happens every 5 days. I need to start doing normal, human things. I’m going to start going on hikes with the Redhead. I need to exercise more. Above all, I need to start living a little healthier.

(I’m really looking forward to the hiking part of the plan.)

The order is rapidly fading, and the first one now will later be last. There’s nothing wrong with getting a little tipsy, but there’s plenty wrong with completely tipping over every weekend. I promise you, Internet: I’m going to start acting my age. The times they are a changin’.

I ain’t no Monk, though. This doesn’t mean an end to parties, just that parties will now eventually end. I think I’ve been attending one long, giant party since I moved to Los Angeles. Now the party is over. Another one will start soon enough, but until then, I’ll be sipping orange juice and doing The Matthew McConaughey workout. That’s when you have a busy schedule and can’t always make it to the gym, so you just drop down and do 25 pushups whenever you can. Usually in the Copy Room. My previous workout regimen was more like the Peter Fonda Workout. That’s when you wake up in the morning and smoke a joint, drop a tab of acid, then jog to your sister’s house to ask for money.

(He’s hip about time, but he’s gotta split.)

Healthy living, here I come. Maybe I’ll be able to buy The Redhead a bike with all the money I’m going to save on Tylenol. Then at least this “hiking” bullshit can be upgraded to “trailblazing.”

To hoping this lasts…..

End of line.