Last night while at a friend’s apartment, I started waxing intellectual about how I would be a way better Building Manager than our current Landlord. Like most coup d’états, it was fueled by booze. Well, it looks like I inspired some folks. A few minutes ago, the building was canvased with this poster. I may now have to do what a drunk fears most: follow through on my intoxicated promises. 

It should be stated clearly that there’s nothing wrong with our current Manager. I like him, which is going to make it all the harder to totally smear him and his reputation. Ah, politics. My first order of business as the new Landlord, if I actually usurp the current one? Firing the night time security guard who always catches me smoking on the roof. Then maybe I’ll put a mini fridge in the Manager’s Office. Then I’ll take a vacation.

Other than that, things will probably stay the exact same. Viva la Resistance!

Dear @barackobama,

I can’t make it to dinner with you. I know you’ve been after me for quite some time now, wanting to grab a bite and talk about the White Sox (Robin Ventura is a nice PR move, but it’s just too early to tell. Looks like Kenny wanted somebody he could control, amiright?), but I just have far too much going on lately. I’m shooting a flick, my wife is pregnant, it just ain’t possible.

Now you’re trying to guilt me into attending by saying you’re bringing Michelle. I know Shelly and the Redhead have oodles to talk about but again, we just have too much going on. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a bad time.

Say hi to the kids for us, enjoy your holidays, and for the love of God, STOP EMAILING ME TWICE A DAY. There are a lot of other things going on right now that may require your attention.

Sincerely,

Tucker Blogs

I’m going to South Carolina tomorrow for the 4th of July, because what better place is there to celebrate the anniversary of our Union than in the first state to secede it during The Civil War War of Northern Meanies?

As I sit here, gathering news articles and evidence for my inevitable argument with the in-laws over politics, I can’t help but wonder if I may actually have the upper hand this year. Not in the political arena, since there’s no arguing with people who still think Barry Obama is a secret Muslim warrior from Mars.

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The Bulls beat the Lakers a few nights ago, and today Kobe Bryant visited the White House. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Barry: You know, the Bulls beat you guys the other night, 88-84.

Kobe: Yes they did. Mr. President.

Barry: I think Derrick Rose may have your number.

Kobe: If he calls that number, I’ll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring.

I’m assuming what followed has been blacked out by the media, since Barry probably pulled a Goodfellas or Casino style move on him and sent Kobe to the floor. I hope that’s what happened, at least. 

Trash talking the Bulls? To Fan Number One? In his own home? Thin ice, Kobe. Thin ice.

A Cub fan gets on the southbound Red Line one day by mistake. Realizing it, he quickly exits and decides to grab a beer before taking The El back north. The bar he chooses is pure South Side: Journey on the jukebox, not a budweiser in sight, and even a picture of Ozzie Guillen next to the picture of the Pope on the wall. He finishes his beer and gets up to leave when the bartender stops him.

“Hey Cub fan, where do you think you’re going?” Asks the bartender, who happens to be wearing a Karkovice jersey. “We have a tradition here that’s just for Cub fans. Before you leave you have to roll the dice.”

“What happens when I roll the dice?” the Cub fans asks.

“If you roll a 1 through 5, I’m afraid we have to beat the shit out of you.”

“Wha..well, what happens if I roll a 6?” inquires the Cub fan.

The bartender smiles: “You get a chance to roll again.”

BP Cup Crosstown Classic starts in 2 days.

Whatta whatta what up, Internet? Keeping your nose clean? I’m sure you are. Me, I’m a working stiff again. New gig, new pay grade, and an assigned parking space. I feel like I got the world on a string… and that’s the problem. I decidedly do NOT have the world on a string. It’s day 2 of work and I’ve already made mental plans that encompass spending every extra penny I make. Oh, so many things I want to get. Money is awesome, isn’t it, Internet?

Now you see, I haven’t actually received a paycheck yet. I won’t get payed until the end of next week, but earlier today I meandered over to the Mill Shop to check out the wares. Oh, man. I want to buy a new Ipod radio thingy, a new stereo, a Playstation 3, maybe a camera, you name it. High quality electronics and cutting edge home video technology at a 50% employee discount. That’s sweet. I’d be a fool NOT to take advantage of such reasonable discounts, right?

Oh, wait. There’s all those people I owe money to.

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Look, Internet, I like Barry Obama. He’s a Chicagoan, he’s a South Sider, and he’s a White Sox fan. He smokes occasionally and he kills flies with lightning quick reflexes. He watches Letterman. He’s my kind of guy. I feel like I can understand where he’s coming from. Today, he came from Los Angeles, leaving a swath of traffic in his wake. I was stuck in it. 

Not a fan of this, Barry. You know, a phone call would have been nice. I hear you’re in town, and without so much as a text message, you blow this popsicle stand and jet back to DC or China or whatever you’ve got going on. Yes we can? Oh no, you didn’t.

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Mother Blogs and I often vent to each other. Short little phone calls throughout the day that boil down to little more than, “can you believe this stupidity/rudeness/bigotry?” I was raised in a very liberal household. Liberal but cynical. We were very wary of anything that was new until it had proven itself. Most new trends, technologies and societal direction (?) was scoffed at initially, but usually embraced shortly after. It’s a weird dynamic. Today, like most days, the talks were about the conservative mindset.

Again, topics that have been covered before, both by me and the rest of media. But how weighted of a question is this ad? That’s like saying, “Would you kill an old lady? Come on, it’s just a stupid old lady. Stab her with this knife. Do it. You want to do it. Stab her lots. Throw her body to the tigers in the zoo. Festoon the streets of America with her entrails. This is what Obama’s Health Care wants. Kill her now. Oh, you won’t do it? Then you have to STOP providing medical care to 34 million Americans, or you are no different than an Old Lady murderer. Also you probably have Hitler bedsheets because you’re liberal.” 

This is stupid. People are acting like idiots. You know what? Health Care is improving. The Education System is next. Get fucking used to it, Republicans.