Birth of a Natal I: 2 People Enter, 3 People Leave

This is it. This shit is real. We are having a child. The Redhead and I cruised over to the celebrity hospital early this morning and liked it so much, we decided to stay.

Now she’s on her epidural, and I’m on some sort of chair in the corner. We could have a long wait ahead of us. It’s a good thing the Bulls are on in a few hours. On the iPad so no fancy pictures, but I will be sure to keep the blogosphere up to date on all dilation, contracton and umbilical cord cutting. If everything continues according to the current plan, we’ll be having a Christmas Baby!

Stay tuned. I’ll be in the hospital bar.

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Talking Smack in the White House is a good way to get audited.

The Bulls beat the Lakers a few nights ago, and today Kobe Bryant visited the White House. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Barry: You know, the Bulls beat you guys the other night, 88-84.

Kobe: Yes they did. Mr. President.

Barry: I think Derrick Rose may have your number.

Kobe: If he calls that number, I’ll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring.

I’m assuming what followed has been blacked out by the media, since Barry probably pulled a Goodfellas or Casino style move on him and sent Kobe to the floor. I hope that’s what happened, at least. 

Trash talking the Bulls? To Fan Number One? In his own home? Thin ice, Kobe. Thin ice.

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I dream you move; I dream we groove

Dear LeBron,

Please come to Chicago. I didn’t want to say anything before because I figured that Cleveland would be renamed “LeBronland” just to keep you. I figured they would offer you their daughters and a laminated, reusable “Get Out of Jail Free” card just to keep you, and they still might.

I don’t care anymore. Come to Chicago. Wade and Bosh are both going to Miami now, which means that they can’t afford you. Besides, Miami smells funny. And this Oil spill business may be on the other side of the State, but the whole place is a swamp. Shit’s gonna travel downstream, if you know what I’m saying. Plus, Disney will NEVER leave you alone. If you get close to them even once, maybe do a quick walk on at an Epcot show, they’ve got you. Look at Tim Allen. Disney owns that poor son of a bitch.

LBJ, you gotta break up with Cleveland like you were Oran “Juice” Jones. Tell them, “You dismissed!” Pack up all their stuff and put it in the guest room, cuz your done. All the jewels, blue diamonds and gucci handbags, and things they couldn’t even pronounce. They can come get it later. Chicago is waiting. Chicago needs you. Oprah will cook for you. Billy Corgan promises to stay out of the locker room after games, and Joakim Noah will be your lackey.

Just do it.

-Tucker Blogs

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