Someone, and I’m not naming any names (because I don’t actually know who did it), gave us something they thought was a gift. They probably thought that it would be the perfect little treat for a pregnant woman and her husband. Instead, they have cursed us with guilt, shame, and tummy aches. The 10 pound box of See’s Candies was a horrible, horrible present.

(Imagine this, but about 20 times bigger.)

I know what you’re thinking: that’s an awesome gift. Well, it isn’t. We’re not talking an extra large box of assorted treats. We’re talking a brown shipping box FULL of dark chocolate buttercreams, totaling approximately 750 pieces. This is not a snack, or a treat. This is a straight up challenge.

When you have such a massive amount, no dent you make feels overindulgent or even gluttonous. Eating them like popcorn seems to be what the large quantity suggests. Both the Redhead and I have been almost skipping meals, sitting with the box in between us, peeling the wrappers and dropping them at our feet like peanut shells. For her being pregnant, these are like crack. For me, they may be a temporary solution to my unplanned weight drop (I got a lot on my mind right now, Internet) but a bad way to make pants fit again. I’m sure my dentist would have a thing or two to say about it as well.

So thank you, mystery person, for smuggling a case of giveways from a promotional event into our hands, but also curse you for smuggling a case of giveways from a promotional event into our hands. Next time, try to get us a case of apples.

Like an old man complaining about the “kids today with their baggy pants and the Nintendo,” I’ve decided to write the equivalent of a letter to the editor concerning Pandora. I don’t normally listen to internet radio since I’m all about the Sirius XM, but today I was in the mood for some REM after hearing yesterday’s unfortunate news. Off I went to Pandora, ready to rock out from Murmur to Up, and then probably some of the new stuff.

But oh, no. Pandora has instead decided that “REM Radio” is actually “U2 Radio” with a steady flow of Chili Peppers and Smashing Pumpkins thrown in. And not just any Pumpkins or Peppers, but the Melon Collie and Stadium Arcadium kind, respectively. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me in the slightest (except for the U2 part), but today I’m specifically looking for Berry, Buck, Mills, and Stipe. Why do you torture me so, Pandora? It’s like you’re going out of your way to avoid playing REM on the station named, “REM.” I don’t want Coldplay or the Wallflowers, which you’re also hitting pretty heavily.

It has now been an hour without a single REM song. I am a Federally licensed commercial radio broadcaster, and this will not stand, man. This is an outrage! Outrage I tell ya!

I’m switching over to Last FM.