Whaddya say, Internet?

I have a quick thing to express (as usual). Just a thought based on emails that have been forwarded to me by certain conservatives and rants I heard from certain liberals on the ol’ Radiola.

THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO HELL.

Our society is not crumbling. The Apocalypse is not nigh. We are not “losing our values.” We’re doing just fine, and will continue to do so long into the future. We’re going to do this BECAUSE of you, Internet, not in spite of you. This will be a positive result of violence on television and sex in the cinema. You know why? Do ya?!

Because we all think it’s horrible, that’s why. This guy I know has a blog and wrote about how recognizing evil is a good thing. He’s a handsome devil. You should really check it out. We all scoff at the horrors of cheating celebrities and animal cruelty and pictures of really bad parking jobs in Europe on the web because we think we’re better. Well, we are.

Let’s take a bullet point glance at the things people did NOT scoff at about 100 years ago:

• Throwing garbage out their windows.
• Horse crap. Everywhere.
• Throwing babies out their windows.
• Drinking water out of a hole in the ground.
• Child abuse.
• Mustaches.
• Throwing the Polish and Irish out their windows.
• Electro-shock therapy.
• Living until you’re 47 years old.
• Not having windows.
• Pharmacists believed heroin cleared the complexion, gave buoyancy to the mind, regulated the stomach and bowels, and was a “perfect guardian of health.”
• Dying of diarrhea (a leading cause of death)

What a magical time! When I used to complain about making 5 dollars an hour, my Grandfather used to say, “Be happy! I used to make 5 dollars a day!” According to the Inflation Calculator, he made about the same a day that I currently do. Okay, that’s not really an example of how life is better now, but I just looked that up and became crippling depressed.

I know that there’s a lot of crazy going down, and all of us getting blowed up real good is a possibility, but when it comes to society, we ARE advancing. Did you know the most popular service a dentist used to offer was a haircut? Relax, Internet. We’re cloning sheep now. We’re gonna be okay. If you truly believe that our society is doomed, you are giving WAY too much credit to these two:

Bottom line: If Jesse Ventura isn’t worried, I’m not worried. The guy’s a freaking Navy SEAL. Hulk Hogan wouldn’t have made it past the opening credits against Predator.

End of line (not the world).