We’re off to the Airport and then back to Los Angeles, armed with fancy new iPads, suitcases, and books.

The Redhead always travels with style. I usually travel with a 3 alarm hangover.

Today is no different. My Night at Cork & Kerry’s on the South Side followed by a dinner of sausage and peppers with a gallon of red wine just ain’t sitting right in my belly.

For the sake of time and sanity, we’re gonna try something a little different today, Internet. I have two adventures to tell you about, but since I got things to do with my life today (as I’m sure you do, too), we’re going to merge them. It’s not going to make much sense, but really, what does make sense in this crazy world anymore? (Lots of stuff.)

(See? That makes perfect sense. Godzilla sunk the Titanic! Those Japanese are gonna pay.)

The two stories are thus:

1. The sailboat was almost completely destroyed, and I witnessed it.

2. Last night I got completely destroyed, and The Redhead witnessed it.

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I have very mixed opinions about reruns, Internet. While I do enjoy watching things more than once, when you’re not expecting a rerun it can feel like a very personal insult and attack. You feel almost tricked. That’s why I’m trying not to make this entry a rerun, despite almost all of the elements and caveats involved being repeated ad nauseam nearly every Monday.

The fact of the matter is this: I feel pretty lousy today. I’m often hungover on Mondays, but I didn’t drink yesterday. I didn’t even leave the house as I was recovering from my birthday party the night before. I’ve heard rumors and whispers of the mysterious 2 day-hangover, but I don’t think that’s the case.

This is the case: I’m slowly killing myself with booze, smoke, and fried food. It has to stop.

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Cinco De Mayo was FUN, Internet, so I’ve decided to pull a Ben Kenobi and live like a hermit today.

As Minnesota Fats shouted in The Hustler, “Cut that sunshine OUT!” I have no vested interest or desire to be a willing participant in the land of the living today. No, today shall be a day of Zelda, DVR homework, and fresh fruits and vegetables. I am going to rebuild my spirit and body from the inside. Aaaaaannnnndddd….. I’m out of cigarettes, so whether I like it or not, today I am quitting. If I were to go out, even for milk or lottery tickets, the tempation would be too strong to buy a pack. This has to be jammed at the source.

So I stay underground today. That’s fine by me.

I’m trying to watch my figure lately. Working at the Salt Mine leads to a lot of snacking and rich foods, so slowly a few pairs of pants have become tight. You know what that means, Internet. Yes, you do.

I love to diet. Some nights (like last night), I diet way longer than I probably should. It’s important to monitor your portions when dieting, and I did. I only had 2 oysters, taken with plenty of fluids. I tried to stick to a specific liquid, but the Diet Center had other plans for me. They were kind enough to bring in a few specialists who prescribed complimentary samples of Jameson to me until the hunger pains subsided. With a team like this, I will accomplish my goal and reach my old college playing weight. Back then, I almost exclusively lived on the liquid diet, to the point where people thought I may have had a dieting problem. Much better now, though. I try to limit it just to evenings, but sometimes a good sunshine diet is just the ticket on a Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, or before a job interview. Have to look my best!

Hungover today, Internet. Had an issue with adjusting the thermostat in the dark last night after repeatedly getting up to make it colder. When I saw it this morning, somebody must have cranked it up to 80 before I sauntered along, so the best I got last night was kicking it back to about 73. Turning on a light would have been smart, but that was a word unknown to me in the wee hours.

I smoked cigarettes. I drank a ton of beer. I had a chugging contest with my father via video chat. That should have been a clue as to the direction the day was heading. I don’t recall a single play from the Superbowl. I wasn’t really watching it, though. I tended to float to various corners at the party, chatting it up and trying to get the Redhead to make out with me. It’s my hangover. I earned it.

All in all, it was a great time.